Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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