Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
