my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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