It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize