He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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