There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
