You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
