I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
