Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Randomize
