Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Hello my rib-scented angel!
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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