All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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