I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
