i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
