not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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