I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
