I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
