"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Randomize
