In the future we'll all be gay
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
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