you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
