I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
