we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize