I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
