I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
