I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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