It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
