I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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