i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
