I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
