these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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