i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
