I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
