i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
