i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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