Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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