Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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