I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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