I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
