god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
this is an emotional support booty call
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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