You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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