I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
