Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
