How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Drake has all the answers
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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