so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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