Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
