ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Watching her eat just hurts me
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
