I think im going to throw up on grandma
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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