On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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