What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
its not stalking. its research.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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