That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
