My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
