flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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