Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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