We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
