i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
