Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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