Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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