i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
