I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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