I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
